spring, spring, goddamn spring

Spring has sprung! Oh god, punch me. Like we need more cliches or analogies to the more obvious oddities that come around every few quarter months. I’d love to smell the new budded roses but my nasal cavities are swollen from the pollen saturated air. These days of gloom and nights of boom-in-the-sky are making me feel achy and I wake up as if recovering from a bipolar episode pondering my emotional state.

Ok, but for real, I’m a big fan of spring. It’s my third favorite season.

I like that the streets I drive down are now covered with bright green leaves overhead. They’re almost neon lime green, my favorite color. Just a week and a half ago I was looking out my window at the bare tree branches slightly swaying in the wind. Mind you, they were only swaying because this past week has been super windy, branches aren’t usually great swayers. And today, those branches are full of half-grown neon green beauties. I’ve got my window open so I can feel the wet air and hear the birds chirping. The paper drawings I have hung up on the walls are slightly wilting, worth it though. I’m a big window gal. I hate air conditioning, especially in my car. Most of the time no matter where I end up, my hair is a tousled mess from all my windows being open, and that’s how I like it…it’s also why I wear hats all the time. So, spring brings me several little joys.

I was pondering as I was driving through this particularly early grey and gloomy morning, thinking man, I would prefer that the sun was out thinking my drive would be more pleasant and enjoyable. I found it difficult to fully wake up, and my eyes remained in a half open, half closed, crescent shape. But then later, something happened. The damn sun came out, and it got hot. Like whoa humid hot compared to the chilly morning where I had my heat on in my car. This is when I noticed the trees. The past few days have been all rain. All gloom. All wet. Now, I could watch a thunderstorm for hours completely content, but when grey wetness continues for days, I find myself wishing for the sun and dry pavement. But this is the part of spring that is so important.

Spring needs those dark gloomy rain ridden days. That’s what makes spring, spring. Because without the rain we wouldn’t get those pretty yellow dots that cover our yard after one rainfall, even though they make my allergies go bazerk. Without the rain, our streets wouldn’t be singing. Without the rain, we might forget what plush feels like under our feet.

My point is, we need those dark days. I’m talking in one of those cliche metaphor voices now—in case you didn’t realize that I switched it up there… 

What makes things beautiful, what makes us beautiful, are the dark days. There the days of doubt, of sadness, of boredom, of hurt, of whatever not pleasant feeling that we feel sometimes. Becuase those days give us the nourishment that we need. I realize this is borderline contradictory, stay with me here though. Those days give us the urge, the power, the desires that we need to get to the place of neon lime green.

Spring has sprung, and so can we. Ha ha now THAT was a good one. People will tell you, give it time, it might take awhile. But also, if nobody has told you yet, one rainfall can bud some pretty badass flowers.

the car wash you walk through

It’s what you get after you go through something that impacts you in such a way that it moves you, changes you, or inspires you. It’s like a patina that glazes over you as if you walked through a mechanical car wash. A film covers your body showing everyone what you’ve been through. Evidence of an experience. You can try to rid of it like so many of us hide what we truly are, but instead it now is your coat, your sheen armor that rather than protecting you, illuminates your vulnerabilities.

The patina itself is love. Or hate. Or sacredness. Or bravery. It’s something you now wear, painfully visible.

It happens when you let something consume you. The ear to ear smile from feeling loved, the pained face of heartache you can’t help but wear, the flinch that crawls up your body when you’re conditioned to expect the worse, or the broad shoulders you carry to prove to yourself you’re strong.

We all want an armor that will protect us. What we don’t realize is that what makes us strong is not what we wear to keep things at bay, but what we see as our truths. If we realize what they are, what we are, our vulnerabilities will make us stronger.

If your weakness is love, then you are prepared for a life of heartache, so you love harder. If you feel hatred, it means you have felt pain, which means you have cared deeply for something and that you can feel that way again. If you are scared, then you know your monster and can stare at it until it doesn’t scare you anymore. If you are brave, then you know what you stand for and have the strength to stand up for it despite any odds.

You are who you are. You have to embrace what you are, what you were, so you can become who you want to be.

The illusions we treasure.

People don’t say what they want to say.

People don’t say what they need to say.

People say what they think they should say, and people do what they think they should do.

So what does that make us?

Short answer. Delusional.

We live in a world where we are told we have total control, but do we really? Did you tell the person you just fell in love with, that you love them? No. Because who in their right mind could fall in love that fast? Better hide it wait for a more reasonable time to share your feelings. Saving face is what we live for. God forbid we respond to a text message in less than a minute. The person on the other end might actually think we care.

We’re all fucking crazy.

We live in a world where we feel more connected to–more empowered from– our phones than actual people. And even then, we use our phones as a crutch to lean on so we don’t have to expose our vulnerabilities.

This selfie says, “I’m doing great! Actually, I ‘m more than great. I’m doing better than you, and look how awesome my face looks today!” That’s what we want people to see–to think. That we are fine, when in fact, fine is the word keeping others at bay from us. Don’t get too close, under the bullshit is a whole lot of ugly that we don’t like looking at. So we give it a new face. One that shows only what we want others to see, what we think they want to see. And what’s really messed up about it is…it’s easy.

We keep our phones on the table during dinner. We stare at our screens when we are in a room full of people. We are sitting right across from each other, but we might as well be miles away because we can still ‘like’ each others pictures–each others lives. We look at our views through, a pretty decent, cell phone camera. Our phones have literally become the middle man of our life. When did we become complacent with shit like this? When did we find more enjoyment in posting on social media, than we actually do taking the goddamn picture.

I can’t preach like I’m any different though. I use Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat more than I should. I feel the connection to the world that exists in the imaginary cloud. I feel the urgency to share the good moments of my life. I contribute to the illusion. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sick of it all. Because really, who the fuck cares what I had for lunch? Short answer. Not even me.

It’s stupid the amount of pictures of food I have on my Instagram. It’s stupid the amount of selfies I have of myself–like just me, close up, blurry background.  Honestly, who the fuck cares about what I look like today. Short answer. Not even me.

So why do we do it? Why do we let this imaginary world be our reality?

Maybe because it is easier to face than the truths of our lives. Definitely.

It’s easier to click a share button than to actually go do the adventure written in the article. It’s easier to read about how your relationship might be fucked, than actually LOOKING at it. Hell, it’s easier to end a relationship because of what you read, than actually reading into the person you’re sharing the damn bed with.

People are real. The warmth from our bodies is real. The words we say are the result of our thoughts so why don’t we make them mean something. We are limited in the ways we are able to connect with this world, and express ourselves to others. What we say and do is all we have. But these days we don’t say or do anything.

Except click an imaginary button, that who really cares about? Short answer. Nobody.

 

An Untitled Mess

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog post–so long that the WordPress layout looks different. Yikes! It’s not that I haven’t thought about writing, because every day I have at least one thought that I want to expand on in a blog post…However, I simply have been struggling gathering my thoughts into a sophisticated–alright, organized–manner. There are so many things going on in my life. So much, that at times all I do is sit on the couch and Netflix for hours ha ha…By that, I mean the drama of my life has been overwhelming my brain so it resorts to the enjoyment mode rather than the productive mode. This enjoyment mode has given my life some variety. Instead of romantic comedies taking up most of my days, now action packed thrillers have been added to the watch list. Yay!

I hope you can sense the sarcasm. It’s true, much of my life the past few months has been spent in front of the television (when I’m not at school, work, or the dive bar down the street from me.) I have let life get the best of me more than a few times, recently. Mostly, what gets me isn’t so much how life is presently, but how my future looks like.

This is what my mindset has been: I have to finish up this last year of school, and after I graduate my life can FINALLY start to live the way I want. I will finally be able to quit my job as a server, move to any city I want, and pursue the business dreams I have.

This still takes up much of my mindset, however in this last semester of school, it has begun to dawn on me that life may not be as freeing as I think it will be. I will have extra massive student loan bills, my car is about to die on me, and my residence situation continues to spew complications.

To say my life is a mess, is not true. To say my life is easy, is not true. To say I know where I am going next, is not true. To say I know what I want, is not true. What I can say is true is I am more open to finding myself and discovering what makes me happy. I have always lived in the moment–a bit of a flaw at times, but also a bit of a blessing. As I continue to live in the moment, I also have the pressure to become the person I want to be. Now, I am not completely sure who that is, but I can say from this point forward I am much more aware of my surroundings, and how happy I truly am in them.

My future scares the shit out me–mostly because I think that the mistakes I make will lead me into the wrong direction. I am terrified I am going to settle with life. Now this has always been something I said I would never do. But as each year passes, I now see it as something that can easily happen. I now understand why so many people end up at the places they are–it’s easy to fall into something and just stick to it for YEARS.

Well, this is the time not to “just do something.” Now is the time to DO SOMETHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING. This goes for everybody, any age, any time in their life. When life starts to become something you aren’t proud of, there is always time to do something/ create something that you are proud to call yours.

Food for thought.

Everybody loves burritos, but not as much as I do.

Last night I ate two Amy’s burritos. TWO. Mind you, these babies are over three dollars each–a delicacy for sure.  Packed full of organic ingredients, I–starving–threw them in the microwave altering any healthy benefits. There was no time to wait for the oven. My stomach just wouldn’t have it. You know when you are so hungry that you actually feel nauseous? Well, that’s what I was feeling like. Why would I indulge in such a luxury at $3+? Simple. I was still hungry after eating one burrito. I am quite used to eating MUCH larger burritos, so I thought it acceptable to have two. Wondering, as I am opening the second package, if I really need another burrito. Immediately I answer myself. Yes.

So people, if your belly wants anther burrito, GIVE IT ANOTHER BURRITO. 

A fine delicacy
                                      A fine delicacy