Cutting Ties

Knot makers. This is what we are.

We loop and pull. We find ways to make sense of things. To feel like we’re not just flying in the air. We tie ourselves to people. To places. To things. Our knots ground us. Connect us. Secure us.

What we don’t realize is that these knots are made of string. They can be cut. Just because you twist yourself into something you don’t know how to untie doesn’t mean it’s permanent. Eventually this knot you created finds its ends in other hands. It gets pulled tighter and tighter by outside forces. So tight that it digs into your skin when you pinch it. It feels like it’s a part of you. But it’s not. It’s an extension of your life. A direction that’s been set. A choice.

One cut, one decision, can free you. You can leave that mess of a knot behind. Let yourself float in the wind a bit. Eventually you’ll catch onto something new. You can choose what to tie yourself to. You can choose what to cut yourself away from. You choose.

Finding the scissors, now that’s a whole other strength.

Lost in the clutter of your life, the desire for change can become misplaced. We find ourselves frustrated with what we have. We put blame on things we don’t understand. We become complacent in our own ignorance.

Until we look in the junk drawer. We stumble upon a tool, an idea, that can show us a craving we didn’t realize we had. The scissors you now hold in your hand empowers you. You see what it takes. One cut of a knot can change your view. Once you do, the world is below you. You can finally see what is around you––where you can tie a new knot. You have options.

 

 

Stoplight blues

Today I was waiting at a red light at a cross-section that I drive through almost on the daily, and have been since I could drive…Except this time, waiting at the light, I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore. Looking around I realize I have had some great times and memories in this city. Sitting there, I wonder if I have done and experienced what I was meant to experience here. The thought came to my mind so suddenly, it felt more than just an “ah ha!” moment, but rather like a slap in the face.

Every year to me is like a new lifetime. Every year I feel a bit older and wiser, because I am, and I feel different. I can look back to my past lifetimes and still feel how I did then. It’s an odd sensation that I usually quickly shake out of my mind because it also brings me a claustrophobic feeling.

Lately, I haven’t been doing much. I can’t say I’m proud of anything I have created this summer simply because I haven’t created anything. I have not written, drawn, photographed, or designed anything all summer. What I have done is finished several decent Netflix TV shows, and explored Michigan a bit. This summer I totally wandered. I did whatever I felt like. My only commitment has been when I was scheduled to work. Other than that, I’ve been blissfully/painfully lazy.

This red light made me realize that maybe I have over stayed this stage of my life. Maybe my restlessness is coming from more than the anxiety of finishing my undergrad. It feels like NOW there is no better time for something new. 

Booty squats

I wanted to get a quick post in today because I haven’t posted this week yet. Today I started researching some new home workouts–my fav. I came across several different types of squats, and tried some of them out. Let me tell you, my legs are SORE. Eek. It’s a good feeling though–thighs and booty burning.

My plan is to write up a personal home workout schedule. Each week I want to establish daily workouts. I want to mix it up a bit to see how much I can challenge myself.

Running/cardio

Abs

Legs/butt

Arms

Yikes! Month long goal to get back into shape is a GO!

First photo of this month long process
First photo of this month long process

The bottomless pit called my stomach

You know you have a problem when you can no longer taste the crispy cream doughnut sunday you are shoving into your mouth. Looking at me, you wouldn’t suspect pigging out being a regular ritual of mine, however I must confess I do a fair share of late night binge eating. Thanks to mah lady Jane my already overactive sweet tooth turns into a monster I cannot control. Luckily I have been blessed with an oddly awesome metabolism, and each morning I drink my coffee feeling thin and ready for a cheeseburger.

This morning however, I woke up, drank my coffee, and indulged in my favorite yogurt and granola breakfast. Today feels like a good day to start eating healthy…again. Now, you must understand something about me. I am pretty good at sticking to a diet/way of living for roughly about two weeks max…

I have always struggled to keep to a routine. Usually I always go for the healthy alternative. That’s my first reaction and one I truly desire. However on such occurrences that my taste buds shun my brain, I typically then go for the ice cream followed by meaty cravings.

A reverse incident happened last night when my lovely boyfriend, best friend, and I went to a local favorited dive bar for several appetizers and burger meals washed down with our classic drink of choice–cold beers. It was delicious, and there was no guilt in any bite. We then made our journey back to the house where I finished off the night with a Melting Moments ice cream sandwich while getting worked up from a few games of Mario Cart.  I cherish nights like these–great company, great food, great beer, and great laughs. This spring has already had its handfuls of great nights, and I suspect this summer is going to be one of those great ones. 

As to the food issue. I am looking for that motivation to work out daily again and live a more healthy lifestyle. Pigging out is definitely fun, and will probably make its way into my life some nights, but I will not be held down with regret every night. So, cheers to more healthy choices, regular exercising, and feeling great…Maybe a cookie here and there 😉

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Kick off to a kick ass summer

It has been a busy couple weeks. The kick off to my summer “vacation” started with a busy work schedule. Gotta make that money for summer adventures! This month, I plan to continue working as much as I can so I can pay for the fun things coming in June. I’ve realized that if I want to “party” hard, I HAVE to work hard. While it’s not always a joy working while the summer sun is tempting me, I have learned that if I put some time into my job I will have more time to enjoy summer activities. Being a server is definitely  a great job for the summer because I have flexible shifts, and can work for a few hours to make my adventure money!

So, to kick off this blog, here’s a little info on yours truly… 🙂

pinedaem_All About Me

1 week

It has come to that beautiful point in the semester where classes magically are ending throughout campus. Finals week is a bittersweet experince…ok probably more like the kind of experience you forget about after it’s over because of the grueling memorization BS while trying to put together concepts from the entire semester…BUT after this week we enter into a world we dream of… SUMMER.

Michigan summers are by far my favorite–I may be a bit biased. But weekends up north, festivals in my parking lot, walks to downtown, and of course the general shenanigans with fellow adventurists are by far the best times of the year. So, here’s to y’all studying your little booties off this week!

Stay focused, take no (OK, minimal) Netflix breaks, pop that needed ADD fixer, and enjoy this week because it’s the week that’s in front of a wonderful sunny beginning.

Well fuck

Lately, I have been lost. Actually, my whole life, I have been lost. I have been happy, excited, and determined at times, but by the end of the day I can’t help but self analyze myself. I am a HUGE procrastinator, and I think my ADD is beginning to get the best of me (or at least now it is becoming exceedingly apparent).

For months I have sat on my couch contemplating where I should go next–in life. Then I quickly pick up the remote and turn on Netflix… I’m only now realizing how much of a toll this attitude is taking on me. I am PROCRASTINATING on moving forward. It’s easy for me to blame school, winter, and work for my inability to actually be the person I want to be. When people ask me what I’ve been up to I ALWAYS answer: “Oh you know, school and work…”. FUCKING WORST ANSWER EVER, and I’m SICK of it. I’m sick of saying it, and I’m SICK of thinking it. My mind has always been a mystery to me. Often I get lost in it, and wonder WHY THE HELL I am thinking that…

The point of this ramble is to help myself understand what the hell I want to do. By writing, some of my inner problems become real. I don’t feel so crazy for feeling like I left myself behind a while ago. But the truth is, that’s how I often feel. I used to look at myself and be glad for who I am, and who I have become. Now, I do feel grateful for my life and the people in it, but I now feel a vacancy within me that I don’t know how to even look at.

Some of you may know that these past 2 years I have been taking my stab at network marketing. And let me tell ya, IT HAS SUCKED. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a second of it, and I have learned A LOT and have made some AMAZING friendships. I have discovered the profound power of personal development, even though lately I have swayed from utilizing its powers… In the end, I have discovered that network marketing is GREAT for some people. It could even be great for me at some point, but I hate doing it. Again, this goes into my own personal motivation and dedication issues. My network marketing peeps probably would see this as an excuse I am making for my failures, and I have to get over my shit and JUST DO IT. Well, that’s a valid point and in many ways right.

At this point in my life–this week– I have forgotten to enjoy the small beauties in life. I have forgotten to immerse the people I love with waterfalls of the appreciation and love they deserve from me. I have become a pass by girl who smiles at you, but doesn’t try to become your friend. I realize how awful this makes me sound, and I’m not a fan of my latest attitudes. But by writing this, I think I could maybeeeee relate with others? I am not about to say–like I have in previous posts/statuses–that now I am going to change and suddenly find this power within me to become the person I want to be, and then proceed to give advice to others about of what could be best for them. Because honestly, I think that’s a load of crap. It’s one thing to know what you need to do, and it’s one thing to try to inspire others by telling them what they need to do, and then it’s another thing actually living by your word inside and out. It’s hard as fuck. I thought I would be able to come across this divine feeling within me, and everything will end up ok. Maybe it will one day, but right now I’m not doing so hot.

As I look back at what I’m writing, and even as I’m typing, I think I may be getting at the wrong message I really am not trying to make a point, and I do not want to come off as whiney–even though I am seeing that I in fact am being whiney. The point of this post is not to have a message that others can learn from. This post is for me. For me to DO SOMETHING.  I need to feel like I am making some attempt to find myself. I want to find myself in my writing. I want to find answers in my writing. I want to affect people in a positive way. (And yes I am aware of all the “wants” I am writing) I think my mind is a bit fucked up, and totally scrambled up, but I also think that the way my mind works is great. It is chaotic, ADD driven, complicated, and full of care and compassion. But I am striving to weave in and out of the mess of my mind, and make something out of it.

So! To the people who have graciously continued to read this now over 800 word post, I will give you something. I will vow to blog my insane mind to you every week. Now, I’m extremely bad at keeping to something for more than 2 weeks, so please understand if my vow becomes a bit stretched out, but this is my first attempt. This summer, my goal is to become a daily blogger, and offer wise words of something. So since I have to start somewhere, I might as well start here. So here’s to this awkward journey, and forgive me in advance if I offend you with my thoughts. But then again…you are the one reading.