So my right quad muscle has been hurting recently. I ‘ve been working out every day, probably to an excess, and when I took a week off of going to the gym I realized that my leg was sore even though I was doing diddly squat. It also would do this weird twitching thing when I would lay down in a certain position. So one night sometime around two in the morning I’m trying to fall asleep and my quad won’t stop twitching. Now it’s not like an aggressive twitch, but I can feel it and my mind already has a difficult time falling asleep as it is. So, what do I do? I blind myself with my phone as I googled “why is my leg twitching?” Ooo this did not help me fall asleep. It came up with a whole lot of reasonable answers but I focused on one. I came across a very rare disease where leg twitching is one of the symptoms, and right there at 2am, I diagnosed myself with a “death in 2-5 years” disease.
So, I laid there for another 30ish minutes letting my leg twitch. Feeling every minute of my “last 2 years.” Gah so dramatic. The next day I continued my google searching and continued to over-worrying to the point where I couldn’t concentrate on my job. Good thing serving has become completely second nature to me, I only forgot about one table. It got to the point where I would intentionally bend down so my leg would hurt so I’d think “yup, there’s the disease.”
Ridiculous, I know. I put this disease in my head and I couldn’t shake it. It got me seriously freaked.
The next day after I talked myself out of this improbable rare disease, I looked at my “scare” and saw something else. No, not that life is short blah blah blah blah...
…I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m going to make the wrong decision and I’m going to miss out on something that could potentially be exactly what I’ve been looking for. So when I thought that I wouldn’t be able to make any decision, good or bad, right or wrong, I freaked out. I over obsessed. I thought of literally the worst scenario and ran with it. So now I’m annoyed with myself to the point where I have had enough of the goddamn worrying. In fact, I’ve had enough with a whole lot of things. Geeze, this is getting out of hand. I”ll wrap it up…
I’m done. When it comes to my happiness I’m done waiting for something to happen, for the time to be right, or to feel a certain way. I’m done pretending I don’t care about something when I really do. I’m done saying I’m ok when I’m not. I’m done being nice to people who don’t deserve it. I’m done laughing at the slightly sexist dumb old man golfer jokes when I still get that 15% tip they’ve been giving me every golf season—cheap bastards. I’m done saying “no thanks, I’m good” when I’m offered a cookie or something from a stranger that I actually really do want. I’m done being the person I don’t want to be.
Because, there it is again, that damn leg twitch.