An Untitled Mess

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog post–so long that the WordPress layout looks different. Yikes! It’s not that I haven’t thought about writing, because every day I have at least one thought that I want to expand on in a blog post…However, I simply have been struggling gathering my thoughts into a sophisticated–alright, organized–manner. There are so many things going on in my life. So much, that at times all I do is sit on the couch and Netflix for hours ha ha…By that, I mean the drama of my life has been overwhelming my brain so it resorts to the enjoyment mode rather than the productive mode. This enjoyment mode has given my life some variety. Instead of romantic comedies taking up most of my days, now action packed thrillers have been added to the watch list. Yay!

I hope you can sense the sarcasm. It’s true, much of my life the past few months has been spent in front of the television (when I’m not at school, work, or the dive bar down the street from me.) I have let life get the best of me more than a few times, recently. Mostly, what gets me isn’t so much how life is presently, but how my future looks like.

This is what my mindset has been: I have to finish up this last year of school, and after I graduate my life can FINALLY start to live the way I want. I will finally be able to quit my job as a server, move to any city I want, and pursue the business dreams I have.

This still takes up much of my mindset, however in this last semester of school, it has begun to dawn on me that life may not be as freeing as I think it will be. I will have extra massive student loan bills, my car is about to die on me, and my residence situation continues to spew complications.

To say my life is a mess, is not true. To say my life is easy, is not true. To say I know where I am going next, is not true. To say I know what I want, is not true. What I can say is true is I am more open to finding myself and discovering what makes me happy. I have always lived in the moment–a bit of a flaw at times, but also a bit of a blessing. As I continue to live in the moment, I also have the pressure to become the person I want to be. Now, I am not completely sure who that is, but I can say from this point forward I am much more aware of my surroundings, and how happy I truly am in them.

My future scares the shit out me–mostly because I think that the mistakes I make will lead me into the wrong direction. I am terrified I am going to settle with life. Now this has always been something I said I would never do. But as each year passes, I now see it as something that can easily happen. I now understand why so many people end up at the places they are–it’s easy to fall into something and just stick to it for YEARS.

Well, this is the time not to “just do something.” Now is the time to DO SOMETHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING. This goes for everybody, any age, any time in their life. When life starts to become something you aren’t proud of, there is always time to do something/ create something that you are proud to call yours.

Food for thought.

Too many feelings for one person

One minute you are blissfully happy, and then the next minute you feel confused why you ever let yourself think that “bliss” and “happy” were recent characteristics of your emotions. I live as an emotional being, and emotion is difficult to manipulate. Too much I think about how I am feeling, rather that think about how I can feel better–be better. I think too many of us live in a world that revolves around current feelings and emotions. My world is consumed with over sensitive mood swings and feelings.

“I feel bad.” “I feel happy.” I feel content.” “I feel lost.” I’m wondering if feeling is the root of the problem. What if rather than feeling one way or another, we simply just are what we are. What if we just accept what we are in a moment, rather than feeling bad or good about it. Why do we as humans insist it necessary to analyze what we are feeling. When we feel bad, we search our life and find out why we feel bad. Usually this leads us to realize misery is more than a feeling we have, but a lifestyle we subject ourselves to. FEELING makes us miserable. Now, stay with me here… don’t get me wrong, it is crucial you feel. But I think with feeling comes something else. Ignorance.

Let me elaborate. I had my 23rd birthday yesterday. All day I was feeling apathetic and unhappy. I spent the day wondering why I as feeling such a way, and when I realized that my apathy came from my unwillingness to change my point of view and feel differently, it occurred to me that feeling was my problem. I felt depressed. I felt sorry for myself. I didn’t feel like celebrating. I was so consumed with worrying about how I was feeling, I didn’t realize that I was suppressing my ability to feel GOOD. I was ignorant to the concept. I let feelings devour my birthday.

If I can learn how to live in a moment rather that analyze how the moment is making me feel, I think I can reach more happiness. It is hard to feel happy when so many parts of your mind and body are telling you to feel sad…or mad…or hurt…or frustrated. Our feelings consume us in such a way that we become ignorant of feeling any differently in that moment. So next time you have an overwhelming urge to feel a certain way, (and you think that feeling is doing more bad than good) remember that there are more feelings out there that you can experience…and I’ll try to remember this too.

Do the lost tend to stay lost?

It has been difficult organizing my thoughts. I thought it would be easy–I thought good writing topics would just spew out of my finger tips. I have been fearfully mistaken. When a thought brews in my mind I think, “this is a great theme to write about.” But then just as fast as the thought enters my head, it is whimsically carried away and lost in the wind storm of my mind.

 Cliche as it sounds, this summer was supposed to be a big one for me. This is the last summer before I am finished with school at my University. I feel like I NEED to get my shit together before my next semester starts up, or this next school year will be perpetually out of balance. With this new summer air, my mind has been lost in the anticipation of camping trips, weddings, beaching, day drinking, and other summer shenanigans. I live out my work week telling myself  “just two more shifts, and then I am on vacation.” This mentality is catching up to me. The summer is going by faster than desired. It’s like each month is gone in a week. It’s freaking my out that the time I have dedicated to finding peace within myself seems to be dwindling just as fast as every sunset. Days are passing me by, and I am beginning to wonder if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. 

Ever wish you could have a peak at the plan the universe has set up for you? Well, I think about this all the time. I’m not one for believing in destiny, but I do wonder who I will become in the next 10 years and if I am on the right path to reach who I want to become. The way I think about it is the universe puts opportunity after opportunity in your reach. As soon as you reach out for one of these copious opportunities, the trajectory of your life shifts. Some are larger than others, but all decisions made by us lead us to our future selves. Of course, there are forces out of our control and I cannot speak on how to react to these because honestly, I have idea how to. I still get frustrated and sometimes hate the uncontrollable forces that appear in my life.

I think I would like to meet a monk, and get a look at what it looks like to have ALL your shit together and to be so close to the divine that the understanding of the world runs through you. I am fine with accepting that I probably will never know how to be a devoted being like a monk or guru–I am FAR too emotional. But I do strive to experience the beauty of inner peace. I’m beginning to feel that this is the path I should choose live by. Physical life is not satisfying me in the way that I need. I am self destructive, and I need to go beyond my physical life to fix it. I need to open myself up to begin a spiritual journey, or I fear I will stay lost. My hope is, the lost do not stay lost.

Everybody loves burritos, but not as much as I do.

Last night I ate two Amy’s burritos. TWO. Mind you, these babies are over three dollars each–a delicacy for sure.  Packed full of organic ingredients, I–starving–threw them in the microwave altering any healthy benefits. There was no time to wait for the oven. My stomach just wouldn’t have it. You know when you are so hungry that you actually feel nauseous? Well, that’s what I was feeling like. Why would I indulge in such a luxury at $3+? Simple. I was still hungry after eating one burrito. I am quite used to eating MUCH larger burritos, so I thought it acceptable to have two. Wondering, as I am opening the second package, if I really need another burrito. Immediately I answer myself. Yes.

So people, if your belly wants anther burrito, GIVE IT ANOTHER BURRITO. 

A fine delicacy
                                      A fine delicacy

After the rain

11136760_10155565117880181_351508807479058042_n

The sweet wind after the brief rainfall fills my loft. The sun streaks into my windows giving the room a golden glow. The bass from the Glass Animals radio station lightly shakes the wood floors. This is a brief timeless beauty. I enter it in a daze, and gaze out the window looking over the wet bright streets of Old Town–thick clouds off in the distance. The moment stays long and dramatic, lingering in the moment–as if  catching up with an old friend. The cool wind against the hot sticky air produces a sweet–perfect– breeze into my golden lit loft.

I hear a soft “Hey you.” behind me in the thick daze. I turn around and see my love standing there–delighted it’s him.

Blueberry Coffee ADD

Getting out of the car, I grab my backpack from the passenger seat and my large purse in one sweep and throw them over my shoulder. With the same hand, I grab my traveling coffee cup. In my attempt to swiftly get out of my car, my coffee mug decides it wants to check out the snowy asphalt and proceeds to spill its contents of wonderful blueberry coffee all over the ground. I feel powerless with both my large bags on one shoulder, and coffee now all over my boots. I sit there for a split second wondering how to pick up my cup. I feel my bags catching on things in my car, holding me back from easily picking up the open cup. I think it is a good idea to grab the top first, then realize it wasn’t the best move. My hand and more of my boots now are garnished with my blueberry coffee.

As I’m walking up the stars to my loft, still wet handed, I think of how this blueberry coffee spill is a great example of the struggles of my life. I often have blueberry coffee experiences. I  frequently feel overcome with the un-organization of my life. 22 years young, I realize that my life consists of organized chaos/frustrations.

I lug around a large purse, filled with unnecessary items that have somehow found a home in my bag. They remain in my purse for one of the two reasons

1. Most likely, I didn’t take the time to analyze what is in my purse, so “trash” builds up.

2. I keep things in my purse for future needs (which rarely/never needed)

So, for those 2 reasons, I lug around a large purse filled with CRAP. Everywhere I go my right shoulder is slightly lower than my left from the weight of my purse. I’m wondering why I let unorganized efforts rule my life.

SO often I feel frustrated because “acts of the universe” get in my way. However, I am now seeing that these frustrations are because of my own organized/unorganized chaos.

I strive to be one of those people who have a house clean with no junk draws/cabinets/bedrooms. I really do try  strive to keep my house clean. Maybe it has to do with the high score I got from an online ADD test…

That being said, I now SEE that my life feels chaotic because I make it chaotic. Not the best feeling this gives me, but at least I can’t blame the universe for every coffee spill/bags dropped/lost phone/messy room. This next week I will organize this chaos into something more easy. 

Hello…Universe?

So…This is me, hi.

Photo on 2014-08-13 at 12

I want to talk about a personal topic that I think many people go through. Tonight I’ve been having a lot of thoughts zooming around in my brain. Bottom line is this: I am the person I am because of the opportunities I took, and the opportunities I didn’t take.  I feel blessed to be at the place I am in life right now. I have a loving support system, and have people I love very much. I’m healthy. I’m young. I keep an open mind. But there’s a phrase that often enters my mind that absolutely terrifies me. 

“You have the whole world in front of you”

Those 9 words hold a lot of responsibility. Almost too much. I’m here thinking to myself, “how am I suppose to take control of that concept?” It sounds silly, I know. But those words hold a great deal of weight on my shoulders. I do infact, have the whole world in front of me! It’s my responsibility to turn that phrase into tangible reality! WHOA. Let me clarify what I feel like when I think about that concept:

So, lil ol me often has the crazy switch turned on in my brain. I’m trying so hard to figure out what I am suppose to do with the whole world in front of me. What am I suppose to do with my life? Am I suppose to join the peace core? Am I suppose to get a masters degree? Am I suppose to travel the world?

I guess this is me asking the universe WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?! 

I have a great vision for my future. I believe I have found a way to create the most success for myself, while helping out many people. I am very happy and excited about my business plans. Still, it’s like I have constant butterflies inside me fluttering around making me worry about everything. I worry about every little thing. Right now, I’m not worried that I made the wrong decision about the path I chose to take. I’m very secure and happy with my path. I’m worried that the universe has different plans for me, and I’m running the other way.

Does anyone else feel this way?! 

Even when you feel like the top of the world, do you ever have a feeling that you could be happier being/doing something else? It’s a strange concept to wrap your head around, I know, but I’m trying to make a point with all of this.

I think whatever path we choose to take in life is the right one. Sure, we might take the hard way. Maybe we’ll pass some major mountains and cliffs along the way. But the only way to see if you made all the right decisions in life is to jump off that cliff of uncertainty and believe that you can fly.

“Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know it so it goes on flying anyway.”
-mary kay ash

So maybe I’m answering my own question here. Maybe we don’t need to know the answer. Maybe we are meant to live life the way we choose to live it, and there’s no set plan in the universe for us. Maybe EVERY path is the right path. We just have to make that decision…