Do the lost tend to stay lost?

It has been difficult organizing my thoughts. I thought it would be easy–I thought good writing topics would just spew out of my finger tips. I have been fearfully mistaken. When a thought brews in my mind I think, “this is a great theme to write about.” But then just as fast as the thought enters my head, it is whimsically carried away and lost in the wind storm of my mind.

 Cliche as it sounds, this summer was supposed to be a big one for me. This is the last summer before I am finished with school at my University. I feel like I NEED to get my shit together before my next semester starts up, or this next school year will be perpetually out of balance. With this new summer air, my mind has been lost in the anticipation of camping trips, weddings, beaching, day drinking, and other summer shenanigans. I live out my work week telling myself  “just two more shifts, and then I am on vacation.” This mentality is catching up to me. The summer is going by faster than desired. It’s like each month is gone in a week. It’s freaking my out that the time I have dedicated to finding peace within myself seems to be dwindling just as fast as every sunset. Days are passing me by, and I am beginning to wonder if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. 

Ever wish you could have a peak at the plan the universe has set up for you? Well, I think about this all the time. I’m not one for believing in destiny, but I do wonder who I will become in the next 10 years and if I am on the right path to reach who I want to become. The way I think about it is the universe puts opportunity after opportunity in your reach. As soon as you reach out for one of these copious opportunities, the trajectory of your life shifts. Some are larger than others, but all decisions made by us lead us to our future selves. Of course, there are forces out of our control and I cannot speak on how to react to these because honestly, I have idea how to. I still get frustrated and sometimes hate the uncontrollable forces that appear in my life.

I think I would like to meet a monk, and get a look at what it looks like to have ALL your shit together and to be so close to the divine that the understanding of the world runs through you. I am fine with accepting that I probably will never know how to be a devoted being like a monk or guru–I am FAR too emotional. But I do strive to experience the beauty of inner peace. I’m beginning to feel that this is the path I should choose live by. Physical life is not satisfying me in the way that I need. I am self destructive, and I need to go beyond my physical life to fix it. I need to open myself up to begin a spiritual journey, or I fear I will stay lost. My hope is, the lost do not stay lost.

Everybody loves burritos, but not as much as I do.

Last night I ate two Amy’s burritos. TWO. Mind you, these babies are over three dollars each–a delicacy for sure.  Packed full of organic ingredients, I–starving–threw them in the microwave altering any healthy benefits. There was no time to wait for the oven. My stomach just wouldn’t have it. You know when you are so hungry that you actually feel nauseous? Well, that’s what I was feeling like. Why would I indulge in such a luxury at $3+? Simple. I was still hungry after eating one burrito. I am quite used to eating MUCH larger burritos, so I thought it acceptable to have two. Wondering, as I am opening the second package, if I really need another burrito. Immediately I answer myself. Yes.

So people, if your belly wants anther burrito, GIVE IT ANOTHER BURRITO. 

A fine delicacy
                                      A fine delicacy

After the rain

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The sweet wind after the brief rainfall fills my loft. The sun streaks into my windows giving the room a golden glow. The bass from the Glass Animals radio station lightly shakes the wood floors. This is a brief timeless beauty. I enter it in a daze, and gaze out the window looking over the wet bright streets of Old Town–thick clouds off in the distance. The moment stays long and dramatic, lingering in the moment–as if  catching up with an old friend. The cool wind against the hot sticky air produces a sweet–perfect– breeze into my golden lit loft.

I hear a soft “Hey you.” behind me in the thick daze. I turn around and see my love standing there–delighted it’s him.

Blueberry Coffee ADD

Getting out of the car, I grab my backpack from the passenger seat and my large purse in one sweep and throw them over my shoulder. With the same hand, I grab my traveling coffee cup. In my attempt to swiftly get out of my car, my coffee mug decides it wants to check out the snowy asphalt and proceeds to spill its contents of wonderful blueberry coffee all over the ground. I feel powerless with both my large bags on one shoulder, and coffee now all over my boots. I sit there for a split second wondering how to pick up my cup. I feel my bags catching on things in my car, holding me back from easily picking up the open cup. I think it is a good idea to grab the top first, then realize it wasn’t the best move. My hand and more of my boots now are garnished with my blueberry coffee.

As I’m walking up the stars to my loft, still wet handed, I think of how this blueberry coffee spill is a great example of the struggles of my life. I often have blueberry coffee experiences. I  frequently feel overcome with the un-organization of my life. 22 years young, I realize that my life consists of organized chaos/frustrations.

I lug around a large purse, filled with unnecessary items that have somehow found a home in my bag. They remain in my purse for one of the two reasons

1. Most likely, I didn’t take the time to analyze what is in my purse, so “trash” builds up.

2. I keep things in my purse for future needs (which rarely/never needed)

So, for those 2 reasons, I lug around a large purse filled with CRAP. Everywhere I go my right shoulder is slightly lower than my left from the weight of my purse. I’m wondering why I let unorganized efforts rule my life.

SO often I feel frustrated because “acts of the universe” get in my way. However, I am now seeing that these frustrations are because of my own organized/unorganized chaos.

I strive to be one of those people who have a house clean with no junk draws/cabinets/bedrooms. I really do try  strive to keep my house clean. Maybe it has to do with the high score I got from an online ADD test…

That being said, I now SEE that my life feels chaotic because I make it chaotic. Not the best feeling this gives me, but at least I can’t blame the universe for every coffee spill/bags dropped/lost phone/messy room. This next week I will organize this chaos into something more easy. 

Hello…Universe?

So…This is me, hi.

Photo on 2014-08-13 at 12

I want to talk about a personal topic that I think many people go through. Tonight I’ve been having a lot of thoughts zooming around in my brain. Bottom line is this: I am the person I am because of the opportunities I took, and the opportunities I didn’t take.  I feel blessed to be at the place I am in life right now. I have a loving support system, and have people I love very much. I’m healthy. I’m young. I keep an open mind. But there’s a phrase that often enters my mind that absolutely terrifies me. 

“You have the whole world in front of you”

Those 9 words hold a lot of responsibility. Almost too much. I’m here thinking to myself, “how am I suppose to take control of that concept?” It sounds silly, I know. But those words hold a great deal of weight on my shoulders. I do infact, have the whole world in front of me! It’s my responsibility to turn that phrase into tangible reality! WHOA. Let me clarify what I feel like when I think about that concept:

So, lil ol me often has the crazy switch turned on in my brain. I’m trying so hard to figure out what I am suppose to do with the whole world in front of me. What am I suppose to do with my life? Am I suppose to join the peace core? Am I suppose to get a masters degree? Am I suppose to travel the world?

I guess this is me asking the universe WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?! 

I have a great vision for my future. I believe I have found a way to create the most success for myself, while helping out many people. I am very happy and excited about my business plans. Still, it’s like I have constant butterflies inside me fluttering around making me worry about everything. I worry about every little thing. Right now, I’m not worried that I made the wrong decision about the path I chose to take. I’m very secure and happy with my path. I’m worried that the universe has different plans for me, and I’m running the other way.

Does anyone else feel this way?! 

Even when you feel like the top of the world, do you ever have a feeling that you could be happier being/doing something else? It’s a strange concept to wrap your head around, I know, but I’m trying to make a point with all of this.

I think whatever path we choose to take in life is the right one. Sure, we might take the hard way. Maybe we’ll pass some major mountains and cliffs along the way. But the only way to see if you made all the right decisions in life is to jump off that cliff of uncertainty and believe that you can fly.

“Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know it so it goes on flying anyway.”
-mary kay ash

So maybe I’m answering my own question here. Maybe we don’t need to know the answer. Maybe we are meant to live life the way we choose to live it, and there’s no set plan in the universe for us. Maybe EVERY path is the right path. We just have to make that decision…