Transparency, baby. Texas is HOT

I’m sitting on the front patio of a coffee shop because every spot inside is taken. Upon sitting down, I can already feel the perspiration above my upper lip start to accumulate. I’ve already had enough coffee this morning, and the small sips I take of the cold brew I just ordered are making my foot shake more than usual.

Never would I thought that I would be living in Texas. Never. In fact, if you asked me in high school, Texas would probably be the last place I ever would have seen myself. Texas is historically the reddest state, and I never thought I’d want to take on the constant heat. But, here I am, sweating my ass off in my jeans at this coffee shop. And you know what? I’m perfectly content. To my fellow wanderers, you know the life of adjusting to new scenery. With it comes excitement for new beginnings along with the slight terror of it all.

I gotta say, I was pretty damn nervous to make this move. Typically in my past experience, the first month of adjusting to a new state, a new home, is rough as hell. I won’t get into the details of it all because it touches a little too personal on my being and honestly my pride, but getting through the first month is a feat.

Pushing through my own comforts and boundaries has been what makes my wandering spirit happy. It also has shown me that I need to set aside more time to be with myself and to recharge. Just because you ask for change doesn’t mean you need to excel in it every second of every day. It’s a balance, and over the years I have become very in tune with myself and can feel quickly when I start to lose my grasp on my emotions. Resetting, for me, is a necessity or else my anxiety skyrockets and takes over.

I have one of those calendar things where it tells you new wisdom-full things every day. There’s a page that I always think about. Without completely butchering the quote from some great monk that said it, I’ll paraphrase: living in the past causes depression, living in the future causes anxiety. It’s in the moment, the present, that you want to be. There you will find the joy and happiness you’re looking for.

So, as difficult as it may be sometimes, I’m finding myself in the moment. I’m understanding what works for me and (trying) to push away what anyone else’s perceived thoughts are about me. Like, right now I could worry about my sweat running down my arm and leaving deodorant streaks on my black shirt, but you know what, it’s cooling me off so I kind of like it.

Mountain Time

My car radio has been set to the time of a place in a different time zone. For a year. When daylight savings time came around, I moved the hour—not to my time, but to the one I intended to get to. When I needed to know the time, I’d add two hours from what the clock read. Everyone who got into my car tried to change my clock, but I wouldn’t let them. “I’ll be there soon enough,” I’d say.

Call me nuts, but intentions manifest into reality.

Because here I go, heading to the time on my car radio.

Just another reason to make a wish

It’s the eve of my 26th birthday and it is by far the least excited I have been yet to turn another year older. This year is a big one for me. 25 seemed like a milestone, and passing the quarter-century point is something of a feat in adulting. This is the birthday the government gives us newly turned 26-year-olds the stiff-armed pushed into adulthood. This is the year they say “hopefully you have your shit together, we know your joints are starting to hurt more than they did in your early 20’s, your hangovers only seem to be getting worse, and gray is now part of the color spectrum on your head, but even so, you can’t mooch off your parents forever, get your own fucking health insurance.”

There are only a few circumstances that newly turned 26-year-olds find themselves in. They will breathe a sigh of relief, wake up, and roll out of bed to the job that is providing them with a health plan. Or, they will reach a little further into their pockets to pay for their own insurance. Or, they will risk it and go without. Those scenarios have been sitting on my shoulder this whole past year whispering their sweet anxieties into my ears.

The last week has felt heavy. The last month felt heavy. Hell, 25 has been a heavy year for me.

Minutes before it turned 12 am, marking my birthday—yes I paid attention— I’m trying to remember some of my recent past birthdays. Some I could remember easily, some were a bit foggy as to how I spent my day. I thought that was odd, not remembering. But, I do know that each one of them I had some type of plan that included celebrations, usually which involved drinking adult beverages and inviting friends to spend the day with me. This year is by far the tamest, and I am so ok with that.

So, it’s 12:07 am, newly 26,  and I’m flossing my teeth. Just 10 minutes earlier I was looking into the dance moves in Fortnite with my little brother.

Life as of recently has been felt nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. Specifically, the kind that takes you up and down and turns you upside down to the point where if the seatbelts malfunctioned you’d definitely find yourself catapulted out of your seat. Even so, grateful is what I feel, and there has been a growth within me that I am proud of.

As daunting as 26 has been, I do feel a lightness that is unexpected and welcoming. 25 was challenging and this next year maybe even more so, but it provides some changes that I have been desperately grasping for. I’m not sure how long this lightness will last for, I’m only one hour into being 26, but I’m going to fly with it as long as the magic carpet will let me.

I don’t want to say that I’m ditching all that has been, but, really, yeah, I kinda am.

 

It happens in a moment

Life as we know it. What is it exactly? You think you know what it feels like to be in whatever life you have, then BOOM, it–oh so suddenly–is something different. How can time make life feel so different? How can something that was once so familiar become to feel so distant, and odd? Realizing it tho. That’s what’ll get ya. The feeling comes so quickly. You know, it’s kinda like the feeling you’d have trying to catch butterflies while running down an avalanche. Super unsettling. Super strange. Super unstoppable. No answers as to why or how. Just that feeling. And then, BOOM, you’re pulled back into your current reality…you look up from the picture the ground painted and move forward.

Something you thought you wanted, suddenly seems unworthy. Something you were so unsure about, suddenly has a distinct direction.

The kitchen floor your bare feet scuffle on is now different. Your daily routine starts to actually resemble a routine. Your waist is thinner. Your views are more colorful. People leave. People come.

 

Life gets different.

 

And you adapt to it; unaware of the smells and sights you used to know drifting further and further away from your consciousness. It’s only until a moment, a moment that the life you know dissipates, where something is catapulted back into your mind.

‘Hmm. That feels like something I used to know.’

But you can’t keep onto it. As quickly as it comes, it goes. All that’s left is that feeling of uneasiness because you know you just missed something. It’s like a dream that you know you vividly dreamt, but when you wake you suddenly can’t remember a lick of–only the lingering feeling of it. Floating in this awkward presence, your past life rubs with your current. Just enough to remind you that you lived once before.

Where we gonna go from here

Change up that song you’re listening to. For me, it happened around a bend. I find beauty and excitement in not knowing what there’s to see around this bend. When I get around it I see something I don’t expect–clarity. I swear my heart jumps a beat as the moment takes my breath away.

THIS is how I want to feel.

I want to feel excited about something I know nothing about yet. I want to be excited about it all, feel it all, and take as much of it as I can in.

It–being life, I suppose.

I feel like I have been in the indecisive stage of my life for way too long. I haven’t really found a focus towards any particular passion. I hit a rut. Feeling stuck and  unsure about most things.

Moving on though, I realize a few things. I have this fire in me that wants to do something big and awesomeI want to push myself to new places and feelings. I want be on the track to discover the best me.

There will always be something that holds one back. So you just have to ask yourself. Do you want to sing something new? There’s a lot of shit that we force ourselves to deal with. Stress. Overworking. Exhaustion. Boredom. Indifference. There’s more out there– you know it too! Stop pretending or making excuses as to why you can’t do something you want to do. So you gotta think, besides the impossible,  what the hell is holding you back? Find out, and karate kick it away!

Wander on, fools.

Sometimes you have to pull to receive.  Things we let push into our lives don’t always turn out being what we actually want. Rather, we need to pull and cherish the things we love and enjoy.

We grew up with fairy tales and movies showing us that it’s possible to have a happily ever after. Yet, we are constantly reminded that those tales are, in fact, fairies spewing lies of happiness. We are taught to listen to other people, learn what they tell us, and live by those standards of humanity.

But, I think, being human is exactly the opposite. We are the one species who have the ability to have our own thoughts, think about those thoughts, and pursue any goddamn thing we want. We have thumbs, legs, and a smart as hell brain for a reason. We are meant to create our own life—I mean if we have the ability to then why shouldn’t we be meant for greatness?

It’s true, a lot of us are phonies waiting for something wonderful to get pushed into our lives. Life can be less complicated that way, I’m sure. But, you want a wish to come true? Well, you’re going to have to lay your ass down, and take some time to look up into the sky for those magic balls of light to streak through our sky for the 2 seconds we can see them. Opportunities are like those shooting stars. They’re there. Right above us. Flying by for us to look at them, make a wish, take a chance, and believe in something bigger than what we have. We have the ability to hope, to wonder, and to wander.

So wander on fools, because what better things do we have to do right now?

This is it, the end of college. Shit. I mean, hooray!

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“I should ask them for a ride,” said the girl from my class as we were walking out of the building. She was talking about a pickup truck stopped at the stoplight  with 4 rowdy college boys in the bed of it–no tailgate. I laughed. (It’s one of the first nice days after dealing with yucky winter, so as you can see people were celebrating.) Then the next moment she is running across the street to really ask them for a ride! After a little budging, 3 guys inside open the doors and let her jump in. I laugh again in disbelief–mostly at the fact that she literally just jumped into a truck full of people she doesn’t know. (Now I know you may be thinking that a girl getting into a car full of strange guys isn’t the smartest, but keep in mind that this happened in broad daylight and Spartans tend to generally see the good in people.) 

After the light turned red again, I crossed the street and preceded to walk to my bus stop across campus. Along the way I couldn’t but help but think about that girl. Not that what she did was a bad or dangerous decision, but that I wish I could be as spontaneous as that. I would never do something that crazy and out of the blue. I mean, I do do spontaneous things sometimes, but never have I decided something that quick! That truck was waiting for the light to turn green. When I saw them, my only thought was “haha that’s funny.” While, this girl was already thinking about running over and asking them for a ride!

 

Lately, I have been searching for some inspiration.  Finishing up my last semester of college has got me seriously freaking out about the fucking future. I’m graduating from a Big 10 University, and I STILL don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. My plan was to have this figured out by now. It’s only been this last year that I have actually begun to enjoy my major. So, what should I do?

No idea here.

So. That is why I am searching for some inspiration. I need to find out what makes me excited about life. What makes me passionate. I have began to feel a lot of inspiration and passion for a business of mine, but I’m looking for even more. I’m looking for a  new mindset, and a happy balance in life. I know whatever journey I am about to embark on is not going to be easy. The lost and wandering college grad doesn’t get it’s bad rep from nothing. But, I’m actually excited about this part of my life. Now, that statement might totally bite me in the ass here soon, but I’m keeping an open mind.

So, back to the girl who jumped in the truck. She reminded me that life is about living! I gotta get out there! Too often I find myself cooped up not taking any risks. AND I’M SO BORED. Not to say that my life is boring, but I am bored with doing the same ol shit sometimes. I’m craving something brand spankin new, even if it scares the poop out of me.

Netflix, it’s been real. But I’ve gotta cut down our chill time. It’s not you, you’re great. Seriously, great. It’s me…