Transparency, baby. Texas is HOT

I’m sitting on the front patio of a coffee shop because every spot inside is taken. Upon sitting down, I can already feel the perspiration above my upper lip start to accumulate. I’ve already had enough coffee this morning, and the small sips I take of the cold brew I just ordered are making my foot shake more than usual.

Never would I thought that I would be living in Texas. Never. In fact, if you asked me in high school, Texas would probably be the last place I ever would have seen myself. Texas is historically the reddest state, and I never thought I’d want to take on the constant heat. But, here I am, sweating my ass off in my jeans at this coffee shop. And you know what? I’m perfectly content. To my fellow wanderers, you know the life of adjusting to new scenery. With it comes excitement for new beginnings along with the slight terror of it all.

I gotta say, I was pretty damn nervous to make this move. Typically in my past experience, the first month of adjusting to a new state, a new home, is rough as hell. I won’t get into the details of it all because it touches a little too personal on my being and honestly my pride, but getting through the first month is a feat.

Pushing through my own comforts and boundaries has been what makes my wandering spirit happy. It also has shown me that I need to set aside more time to be with myself and to recharge. Just because you ask for change doesn’t mean you need to excel in it every second of every day. It’s a balance, and over the years I have become very in tune with myself and can feel quickly when I start to lose my grasp on my emotions. Resetting, for me, is a necessity or else my anxiety skyrockets and takes over.

I have one of those calendar things where it tells you new wisdom-full things every day. There’s a page that I always think about. Without completely butchering the quote from some great monk that said it, I’ll paraphrase: living in the past causes depression, living in the future causes anxiety. It’s in the moment, the present, that you want to be. There you will find the joy and happiness you’re looking for.

So, as difficult as it may be sometimes, I’m finding myself in the moment. I’m understanding what works for me and (trying) to push away what anyone else’s perceived thoughts are about me. Like, right now I could worry about my sweat running down my arm and leaving deodorant streaks on my black shirt, but you know what, it’s cooling me off so I kind of like it.

We’re all jealous of the flying dragon

Do you know the level in Spyro where you have to fly through hoops and when you do a sound that you would image magic sounds like echoes through your speakers? Yeah, I want that. I want to have a path outlined for me reassuring me along the way that I’m doing the right thing. I actually fantasize about this image often. I can hear that magic ring as I get closer to the finish, and the best part is if I mess up I can try it again. And again. And again until I get what I want. Oh, wouldn’t that be nice?

But unfortunately, life isn’t as magical as the world of Spyro. The dragon in me is a little less cute, and a lot more realistic.

I think part of me has been waiting for the resemblance of a lit up path to appear to me guiding me to a destination, but no such path has materialized. So, understanding that this is not the way to go I look for other things. Possibilities. And there’s a lot of those which is good because I like options. Realizing that there’s no one right way is part of the battle, another part is following through with the moving part of it. You have to move your feet, move your mind, move into a mindset that will get you somewhere you want to be. I’m only now realizing that your destination doesn’t have to be an end all situation. Hell, you don’t even have to know your destination. It’s the journey that’s important. It’s the journey that takes up your time, it’s where you put in the effort, it’s where things matter.

You are actively creating your journey as you go whether you know it or not. You move from the punches being thrown at you, you leap to new places, you find new people, and the whole time your path is changing. Every encounter, every dream is taking you to a place that you don’t know yet. And that’s the real beauty of not having a path.

An Untitled Mess

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog post–so long that the WordPress layout looks different. Yikes! It’s not that I haven’t thought about writing, because every day I have at least one thought that I want to expand on in a blog post…However, I simply have been struggling gathering my thoughts into a sophisticated–alright, organized–manner. There are so many things going on in my life. So much, that at times all I do is sit on the couch and Netflix for hours ha ha…By that, I mean the drama of my life has been overwhelming my brain so it resorts to the enjoyment mode rather than the productive mode. This enjoyment mode has given my life some variety. Instead of romantic comedies taking up most of my days, now action packed thrillers have been added to the watch list. Yay!

I hope you can sense the sarcasm. It’s true, much of my life the past few months has been spent in front of the television (when I’m not at school, work, or the dive bar down the street from me.) I have let life get the best of me more than a few times, recently. Mostly, what gets me isn’t so much how life is presently, but how my future looks like.

This is what my mindset has been: I have to finish up this last year of school, and after I graduate my life can FINALLY start to live the way I want. I will finally be able to quit my job as a server, move to any city I want, and pursue the business dreams I have.

This still takes up much of my mindset, however in this last semester of school, it has begun to dawn on me that life may not be as freeing as I think it will be. I will have extra massive student loan bills, my car is about to die on me, and my residence situation continues to spew complications.

To say my life is a mess, is not true. To say my life is easy, is not true. To say I know where I am going next, is not true. To say I know what I want, is not true. What I can say is true is I am more open to finding myself and discovering what makes me happy. I have always lived in the moment–a bit of a flaw at times, but also a bit of a blessing. As I continue to live in the moment, I also have the pressure to become the person I want to be. Now, I am not completely sure who that is, but I can say from this point forward I am much more aware of my surroundings, and how happy I truly am in them.

My future scares the shit out me–mostly because I think that the mistakes I make will lead me into the wrong direction. I am terrified I am going to settle with life. Now this has always been something I said I would never do. But as each year passes, I now see it as something that can easily happen. I now understand why so many people end up at the places they are–it’s easy to fall into something and just stick to it for YEARS.

Well, this is the time not to “just do something.” Now is the time to DO SOMETHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING. This goes for everybody, any age, any time in their life. When life starts to become something you aren’t proud of, there is always time to do something/ create something that you are proud to call yours.

Food for thought.