Does it have to make sense?

Three months. It has taken me three months to feel like the bed I’m sleeping in, is in fact, mine. The realism of being away from my everything–my family, friends, and familiarity is sinking in like falling in quicksand. My foot got stuck in the mud–well, more purposefully than stuck–and sooner than I thought I was knee deep. Standing there, looking at my surroundings, I can see how I could call this new place my home. But, before I get myself to feel absolutely good about it, my head is under the dirt. Just in the moments before, I found myself questioning things–ok, everything. I am in the ground sucking for the air I once knew.

On the less dramatic side, you could say that moving to a different state hits ya surprisingly. Surely, I thought I would be a wreck being away from everything.  But, moving wasn’t the hard part. Getting a job wasn’t the hard part. Being on unfamiliar ground wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was finding out three months in, that I may not be in as good emotional shape as I thought. Sure, I’m a strong gal. And, life is great. I am blessed and I am grateful. But life is different. Life is tough, and sometimes life hurts. Being all on my own? Body and mind… It’s something. Something. Something. It’s something I know I wanted, and something I know I needed. Need.

Learning things about yourself, that’s where it happens. That’s where you realize that you may have done the right thing for yourself.

What really got me is realizing that every day doesn’t have to be a good day, and you don’t have to feel good all the time.

But uhhhh that’s all I’ve been trying to do!–making the most out of my days. Running away from the sadder feelings that are in me somewhere, and I run fast…

But all good must come to an end. I guess. Sometimes.

And you know what? When I did confront those flitterings of sad feelings, I felt sad. As I should. But what was surprising is that it also felt good.

Realizing how you really feel about things feels good. Embracing it, that feels even better. Running away from the inner workings of myself left me confused, about everything. And truth be told, I am still confused about the whole shit of it all. But it feels good to know that I am on the same page with myself. At least as much as I can be at the moment.

And isn’t that enough?

After I pull myself out of the quicksand called life, this new air feels…great.

 

It happens in a moment

Life as we know it. What is it exactly? You think you know what it feels like to be in whatever life you have, then BOOM, it–oh so suddenly–is something different. How can time make life feel so different? How can something that was once so familiar become to feel so distant, and odd? Realizing it tho. That’s what’ll get ya. The feeling comes so quickly. You know, it’s kinda like the feeling you’d have trying to catch butterflies while running down an avalanche. Super unsettling. Super strange. Super unstoppable. No answers as to why or how. Just that feeling. And then, BOOM, you’re pulled back into your current reality…you look up from the picture the ground painted and move forward.

Something you thought you wanted, suddenly seems unworthy. Something you were so unsure about, suddenly has a distinct direction.

The kitchen floor your bare feet scuffle on is now different. Your daily routine starts to actually resemble a routine. Your waist is thinner. Your views are more colorful. People leave. People come.

 

Life gets different.

 

And you adapt to it; unaware of the smells and sights you used to know drifting further and further away from your consciousness. It’s only until a moment, a moment that the life you know dissipates, where something is catapulted back into your mind.

‘Hmm. That feels like something I used to know.’

But you can’t keep onto it. As quickly as it comes, it goes. All that’s left is that feeling of uneasiness because you know you just missed something. It’s like a dream that you know you vividly dreamt, but when you wake you suddenly can’t remember a lick of–only the lingering feeling of it. Floating in this awkward presence, your past life rubs with your current. Just enough to remind you that you lived once before.

Can you go under the limbo stick?

I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.

This is your song.

This is your life, and you can sing how you want to.

The hardest part is deciding how you want to live it, right? Because if it was easy we would have more people working jobs they enjoy,  we would be vacationing often, and we’d end up with our soulmate, right?

Maybe life is suppose to be hard, confusing, and daunting. Maybe we need to be scared shitless in order for the universe to throw some balls in our court. Maybe it’s testing us all on how bad we want it. Greatness is brewed in the journey. We can’t Netflix and Chill, and expect our minds to stay sharp and ambitious. Things don’t just roll out perfectly. Actually, things have a way of turning out different than how you want, so it’s up to you to work your booty off to make it right. Especially if you are interested in actually enjoying your life.

There’s a difference between being content with your life, and thoroughly enjoying it. To thoroughly enjoy, you gotta actively  be a part of your life. If you mindlessly work it away, and then spend the rest of your time melting your brain in front of your super thin TV, you might lose sight of what’s really important. LIVING. DOING SOMETHING. MAKING SOME TYPE OF IMPACT ON SOMETHING. Putting effort into something feels good. It’ll make you want to do more. Try it out with me, I’m new to this whole real world thing, too.

If you are having trouble focusing your life onto something, know you are not alone. I thought I was the alien in the crowd, but talking to other people, I have found that everyone goes through a limbo stage in life. I have also found that when I tell people I am currently focusing on enjoying my life and just doing me at the moment, they nod with understanding. They then proceed to tell me that they themselves aren’t sure what they want to do with their life. Keep in mind that these are also people who have their degree–hell, even their masters. These are people who chose a path, and have realized it may not be the best one for them. But you don’t see many actually change the course that they’re already on. Why? Because it’s probably fucking hard!

We are all on the search for happiness and enjoyment. Just because you jumped through the hoops of college, and kiss your boss’s ass doesn’t mean that your shit is forever together. Enjoyment comes when everyday you actively put something into your day. You can’t expect the universe to just give you want you want without you giving it anything, did you?