Being all of myself, that’s just not something I do.
I let my ambitions ride on magic carpets to places I don’t know. I let my heart stay with the people I love and have loved. I let my ideas float around me just beyond my full grasp.
If you call it reckless, if you call it susceptible, if you call it foolish, you’re right.
I am that.
But if I can get to a place I can’t imagine yet, then I’ll let myself fly to get there.
If vulnerability is what my core is made of, then my heart is not meant just for me.
If when I look out of myself and am able to see pieces, well I know I have something to make.
I am not whole.
I am places, people, and things.
Feeling at peace with myself is feeling alive in what I dedicate my life to, in the things that I feel worthy, and in the people who I choose to care about. My feeling of belonging, of happiness, of identity, comes from not only the pieces of me I decide to walk in, but also the pieces of me that I let free.
It has been difficult organizing my thoughts. I thought it would be easy–I thought good writing topics would just spew out of my finger tips. I have been fearfully mistaken. When a thought brews in my mind I think, “this is a great theme to write about.” But then just as fast as the thought enters my head, it is whimsically carried away and lost in the wind storm of my mind.
Cliche as it sounds, this summer was supposed to be a big one for me. This is the last summer before I am finished with school at my University. I feel like I NEED to get my shit together before my next semester starts up, or this next school year will be perpetually out of balance. With this new summer air, my mind has been lost in the anticipation of camping trips, weddings, beaching, day drinking, and other summer shenanigans. I live out my work week telling myself “just two more shifts, and then I am on vacation.” This mentality is catching up to me. The summer is going by faster than desired. It’s like each month is gone in a week. It’s freaking my out that the time I have dedicated to finding peace within myself seems to be dwindling just as fast as every sunset. Days are passing me by, and I am beginning to wonder if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing.
Ever wish you could have a peak at the plan the universe has set up for you? Well, I think about this all the time. I’m not one for believing in destiny, but I do wonder who I will become in the next 10 years and if I am on the right path to reach who I want to become. The way I think about it is the universe puts opportunity after opportunity in your reach. As soon as you reach out for one of these copious opportunities, the trajectory of your life shifts. Some are larger than others, but all decisions made by us lead us to our future selves. Of course, there are forces out of our control and I cannot speak on how to react to these because honestly, I have idea how to. I still get frustrated and sometimes hate the uncontrollable forces that appear in my life.
I think I would like to meet a monk, and get a look at what it looks like to have ALL your shit together and to be so close to the divine that the understanding of the world runs through you. I am fine with accepting that I probably will never know how to be a devoted being like a monk or guru–I am FAR too emotional. But I do strive to experience the beauty of inner peace. I’m beginning to feel that this is the path I should choose live by. Physical life is not satisfying me in the way that I need. I am self destructive, and I need to go beyond my physical life to fix it. I need to open myself up to begin a spiritual journey, or I fear I will stay lost. My hope is, the lost do not stay lost.