I guess you notice it when you look up

I had a mountain. A big one.

I have a city. A big one.

Right in front of my eyes, I’ve watched things manifest.

I’ve always said I wanted to move to Colorado, live on the side of a mountain, and wear flannel every day. Well, I did that. All of it.

Then, I said I wanted the city. I wanted to feel small among all the cool people of Denver. And well, I feel that. It’s hard not to.

Looking out, I get perspective. Quite literally. I’m lucky, where I live. Where I have been. What I have been able to do.

I want a mountain. So one was sat right in front of me.

I want a city. So it becomes my skyline.

I want something new. So, my everything becomes new.

I don’t know if it’s the universe. I don’t know if it’s my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s God. I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence. But everything I have wanted, in a way, finds me. Definitely never in the way I expect, nor necessarily want. For sure not in the timely manner I hope. It usually finds me hanging upside down, hair reaching for the ground, cheeks drooping into my eyes. It finds me and tells me to turn right-side up. Eh, it’s more of a yell.

What is it? Perspective?  Hope? Dedication? I couldn’t tell ya. I’m sure some book will tell me it’s the manifestation of my thoughts. Or that is the compound of all the little things. Or it’s the doing, or plan, of a greater being.

I don’t want to make it sound like everything goes my way. Because the same way things turn out for me, my horrors are just as present. I know what I don’t want, and that is exactly that what I get sometimes.

Maybe it’s just being aware, like hyper-aware of circumstances mingling with my thoughts. Manifestations find me in a way that makes me wonder, did I do that? What made that happen? Like, for real?

It’s comical, really. I have been feeling off lately. Off in the kind of way that is indescribable. I’ve been busy. I’ve had a lot of fun. I don’t let myself get too high in the moments. More figuratively than literally.

I’ve found myself content, and to be honest, it is a foreign feeling.

It’s so foreign that I actually feel myself trying to hijack the good part of the feeling. It’s like I know something’s going to be wrong, or something’s going to happen, so I prepare myself to be worse off. I fucking expect it.

But then I see the city line. The long, tall towers reflecting the moonlight onto everything else.

I get the perspective I need. In such a way that it knocks me out of my shoes.

benjamin-voros-575800-unsplash
make a wish…it might just come true

 

 

Thoughts of an insomniac Part 1

3:15 am

If I were a superhero my chosen superhero power would be to perform like I’m on Adderall without actually being on Adderall.

Ooo, that’s the show I’m going to start watching again, Flash.

Is margarita pizza the healthier pizza choice? It must be.

Maybe I should try to get prescribed some Adderall, I did score very on that online ADD quiz I once took. Damn, I think that Adderall documentary I just watched influenced me in the wrong way. But really, maybe I should…

So, if I buy food from work everytime I work at around $5 a night, that’s like $25/week, holy shit that’s $100 a goddamn month. Fuck it, I’m bringing in food tomorrow.

I have to remember to take the chicken out of the freezer tomorrow morning. Sets a reminder on phone. 

Yeah, I’m going to start designing my clothing line tomorrow. I definitely need a cool crewneck one. Is crewneck the word? I mean everybody loves a good sweater without a hood.

Looks at clock. 

…Ok, maybe I’ll try those breathing exercises I read about to help me fall asleep…googles breathing exercises for 10 minutes.

Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for seven, blow out for 8.

Three minutes later.

Did I refill that guy with a regular Pepsi when he was drinking diet?……yep.