After the rain

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The sweet wind after the brief rainfall fills my loft. The sun streaks into my windows giving the room a golden glow. The bass from the Glass Animals radio station lightly shakes the wood floors. This is a brief timeless beauty. I enter it in a daze, and gaze out the window looking over the wet bright streets of Old Town–thick clouds off in the distance. The moment stays long and dramatic, lingering in the moment–as if  catching up with an old friend. The cool wind against the hot sticky air produces a sweet–perfect– breeze into my golden lit loft.

I hear a soft “Hey you.” behind me in the thick daze. I turn around and see my love standing there–delighted it’s him.

The bottomless pit called my stomach

You know you have a problem when you can no longer taste the crispy cream doughnut sunday you are shoving into your mouth. Looking at me, you wouldn’t suspect pigging out being a regular ritual of mine, however I must confess I do a fair share of late night binge eating. Thanks to mah lady Jane my already overactive sweet tooth turns into a monster I cannot control. Luckily I have been blessed with an oddly awesome metabolism, and each morning I drink my coffee feeling thin and ready for a cheeseburger.

This morning however, I woke up, drank my coffee, and indulged in my favorite yogurt and granola breakfast. Today feels like a good day to start eating healthy…again. Now, you must understand something about me. I am pretty good at sticking to a diet/way of living for roughly about two weeks max…

I have always struggled to keep to a routine. Usually I always go for the healthy alternative. That’s my first reaction and one I truly desire. However on such occurrences that my taste buds shun my brain, I typically then go for the ice cream followed by meaty cravings.

A reverse incident happened last night when my lovely boyfriend, best friend, and I went to a local favorited dive bar for several appetizers and burger meals washed down with our classic drink of choice–cold beers. It was delicious, and there was no guilt in any bite. We then made our journey back to the house where I finished off the night with a Melting Moments ice cream sandwich while getting worked up from a few games of Mario Cart.  I cherish nights like these–great company, great food, great beer, and great laughs. This spring has already had its handfuls of great nights, and I suspect this summer is going to be one of those great ones. 

As to the food issue. I am looking for that motivation to work out daily again and live a more healthy lifestyle. Pigging out is definitely fun, and will probably make its way into my life some nights, but I will not be held down with regret every night. So, cheers to more healthy choices, regular exercising, and feeling great…Maybe a cookie here and there 😉

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Kick off to a kick ass summer

It has been a busy couple weeks. The kick off to my summer “vacation” started with a busy work schedule. Gotta make that money for summer adventures! This month, I plan to continue working as much as I can so I can pay for the fun things coming in June. I’ve realized that if I want to “party” hard, I HAVE to work hard. While it’s not always a joy working while the summer sun is tempting me, I have learned that if I put some time into my job I will have more time to enjoy summer activities. Being a server is definitely  a great job for the summer because I have flexible shifts, and can work for a few hours to make my adventure money!

So, to kick off this blog, here’s a little info on yours truly… 🙂

pinedaem_All About Me

1 week

It has come to that beautiful point in the semester where classes magically are ending throughout campus. Finals week is a bittersweet experince…ok probably more like the kind of experience you forget about after it’s over because of the grueling memorization BS while trying to put together concepts from the entire semester…BUT after this week we enter into a world we dream of… SUMMER.

Michigan summers are by far my favorite–I may be a bit biased. But weekends up north, festivals in my parking lot, walks to downtown, and of course the general shenanigans with fellow adventurists are by far the best times of the year. So, here’s to y’all studying your little booties off this week!

Stay focused, take no (OK, minimal) Netflix breaks, pop that needed ADD fixer, and enjoy this week because it’s the week that’s in front of a wonderful sunny beginning.

Well fuck

Lately, I have been lost. Actually, my whole life, I have been lost. I have been happy, excited, and determined at times, but by the end of the day I can’t help but self analyze myself. I am a HUGE procrastinator, and I think my ADD is beginning to get the best of me (or at least now it is becoming exceedingly apparent).

For months I have sat on my couch contemplating where I should go next–in life. Then I quickly pick up the remote and turn on Netflix… I’m only now realizing how much of a toll this attitude is taking on me. I am PROCRASTINATING on moving forward. It’s easy for me to blame school, winter, and work for my inability to actually be the person I want to be. When people ask me what I’ve been up to I ALWAYS answer: “Oh you know, school and work…”. FUCKING WORST ANSWER EVER, and I’m SICK of it. I’m sick of saying it, and I’m SICK of thinking it. My mind has always been a mystery to me. Often I get lost in it, and wonder WHY THE HELL I am thinking that…

The point of this ramble is to help myself understand what the hell I want to do. By writing, some of my inner problems become real. I don’t feel so crazy for feeling like I left myself behind a while ago. But the truth is, that’s how I often feel. I used to look at myself and be glad for who I am, and who I have become. Now, I do feel grateful for my life and the people in it, but I now feel a vacancy within me that I don’t know how to even look at.

Some of you may know that these past 2 years I have been taking my stab at network marketing. And let me tell ya, IT HAS SUCKED. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a second of it, and I have learned A LOT and have made some AMAZING friendships. I have discovered the profound power of personal development, even though lately I have swayed from utilizing its powers… In the end, I have discovered that network marketing is GREAT for some people. It could even be great for me at some point, but I hate doing it. Again, this goes into my own personal motivation and dedication issues. My network marketing peeps probably would see this as an excuse I am making for my failures, and I have to get over my shit and JUST DO IT. Well, that’s a valid point and in many ways right.

At this point in my life–this week– I have forgotten to enjoy the small beauties in life. I have forgotten to immerse the people I love with waterfalls of the appreciation and love they deserve from me. I have become a pass by girl who smiles at you, but doesn’t try to become your friend. I realize how awful this makes me sound, and I’m not a fan of my latest attitudes. But by writing this, I think I could maybeeeee relate with others? I am not about to say–like I have in previous posts/statuses–that now I am going to change and suddenly find this power within me to become the person I want to be, and then proceed to give advice to others about of what could be best for them. Because honestly, I think that’s a load of crap. It’s one thing to know what you need to do, and it’s one thing to try to inspire others by telling them what they need to do, and then it’s another thing actually living by your word inside and out. It’s hard as fuck. I thought I would be able to come across this divine feeling within me, and everything will end up ok. Maybe it will one day, but right now I’m not doing so hot.

As I look back at what I’m writing, and even as I’m typing, I think I may be getting at the wrong message I really am not trying to make a point, and I do not want to come off as whiney–even though I am seeing that I in fact am being whiney. The point of this post is not to have a message that others can learn from. This post is for me. For me to DO SOMETHING.  I need to feel like I am making some attempt to find myself. I want to find myself in my writing. I want to find answers in my writing. I want to affect people in a positive way. (And yes I am aware of all the “wants” I am writing) I think my mind is a bit fucked up, and totally scrambled up, but I also think that the way my mind works is great. It is chaotic, ADD driven, complicated, and full of care and compassion. But I am striving to weave in and out of the mess of my mind, and make something out of it.

So! To the people who have graciously continued to read this now over 800 word post, I will give you something. I will vow to blog my insane mind to you every week. Now, I’m extremely bad at keeping to something for more than 2 weeks, so please understand if my vow becomes a bit stretched out, but this is my first attempt. This summer, my goal is to become a daily blogger, and offer wise words of something. So since I have to start somewhere, I might as well start here. So here’s to this awkward journey, and forgive me in advance if I offend you with my thoughts. But then again…you are the one reading.

Blueberry Coffee ADD

Getting out of the car, I grab my backpack from the passenger seat and my large purse in one sweep and throw them over my shoulder. With the same hand, I grab my traveling coffee cup. In my attempt to swiftly get out of my car, my coffee mug decides it wants to check out the snowy asphalt and proceeds to spill its contents of wonderful blueberry coffee all over the ground. I feel powerless with both my large bags on one shoulder, and coffee now all over my boots. I sit there for a split second wondering how to pick up my cup. I feel my bags catching on things in my car, holding me back from easily picking up the open cup. I think it is a good idea to grab the top first, then realize it wasn’t the best move. My hand and more of my boots now are garnished with my blueberry coffee.

As I’m walking up the stars to my loft, still wet handed, I think of how this blueberry coffee spill is a great example of the struggles of my life. I often have blueberry coffee experiences. I  frequently feel overcome with the un-organization of my life. 22 years young, I realize that my life consists of organized chaos/frustrations.

I lug around a large purse, filled with unnecessary items that have somehow found a home in my bag. They remain in my purse for one of the two reasons

1. Most likely, I didn’t take the time to analyze what is in my purse, so “trash” builds up.

2. I keep things in my purse for future needs (which rarely/never needed)

So, for those 2 reasons, I lug around a large purse filled with CRAP. Everywhere I go my right shoulder is slightly lower than my left from the weight of my purse. I’m wondering why I let unorganized efforts rule my life.

SO often I feel frustrated because “acts of the universe” get in my way. However, I am now seeing that these frustrations are because of my own organized/unorganized chaos.

I strive to be one of those people who have a house clean with no junk draws/cabinets/bedrooms. I really do try  strive to keep my house clean. Maybe it has to do with the high score I got from an online ADD test…

That being said, I now SEE that my life feels chaotic because I make it chaotic. Not the best feeling this gives me, but at least I can’t blame the universe for every coffee spill/bags dropped/lost phone/messy room. This next week I will organize this chaos into something more easy. 

What holds you back?

Today I have been wondering what is holding people back from being their highest potential.

So I am going to speak directly to you.

Do you think what you are doing right now is the best thing you could be doing with your life at this moment?

How do you decide what the best thing to do is?

Do you know how much you are worth?

Do you believe you are worth more?

Are you scared of truly living? 

If “YES” to any of these questions, I highly recommend that you do some soul searching.

Be open to what the world and what the people in it have to offer you!