I find my fists clenched when I think about my future, what it looks like, playing out scenarios in my head. It’s when I feel my fingernails dig into the inside of my hands that I realize I am trying hard to grasp onto something that is not, and may not ever be real. Holding onto this pretentious reality does give me the feeling of hope, and I keep my fists clenched. I think I want it, I like the feeling of it. I feel a part of this far off reality, and I am doing all I can to stay in it. But soon, I notice the hold in my thighs, the curl of my toes, and the clench of my jaw. I begin to feel my tense muscles ease as I become aware of them. I let out a breath as all my muscles relax and I sink back into the bed I am lying on, the fan vibrates the wood floor, the heating unit hums with the music that is playing softly from my speaker across the room. I lie in my real reality as my daydreams fade out of my mind like smoke. As it clears, doubt stands before me, even as I close my eyes. He stands there like a brick wall, tall and strong. It’s when I try to shove him away that I notice he is more like rubber, strong and sturdy, he sways slightly but bounces back into his place. Hope and doubt live in the same room, and I feel like I need to get out of there. It’s in the corner of my eye where I see a way out, away from doubt, away from hope. They both present me with questions that I don’t know how to answer. It’s in that corner that I find the truth, or what I think it should be. I walk around doubt and make sure I don’t raise my gaze too high in fear I’ll catch a glimpse of hope and get lost in it like a plane in the clouds. Walking forward toward what is, now, is the only thing left I can think of doing. I find the place where I can live far enough away from the two that I almost forget they’re there. It’s in the now, that’s where I choose to be.
Things I live by
Choose the buffet
Coffee first, inspiration will probably follow
Dance with your eyes closed
Realize the happy mistakes
When in doubt, go with a reuben
Drink good beer first
Be awkward when the moment deserves it
I’ll tell you what it’s all about.
As an adjective, casual is defined as: relaxed and unconcerned.
As a noun, it is defined as: a person who does something irregularly.
Comfy pant Saturday nights, drinking pumpkin beer on a cold fall day, festival hallucinogens, tie-die Fridays at work, hungover shower pees. It happens, casually.
Some human activities are meant to be casual. We can’t do everything in a concerned and tight manner, and people who have no irregularity are boring. But, keeping it chill translates into no strings attached which really is an excuse to live day by day which means that you really aren’t trying. Living casually is a way to get by. But when it comes to that part of the day when you find yourself alone, the ticking of the clock is the only song playing, you realize casual is what’s making your life hard. It’s keeping the goods at bay. It’s too easy to be casual and to treat things as so. Causal feels good. Looks good. Intends to be good. But that moment when you treat what you want as casual, is the moment that you lose it. Because, some things should be treated with purpose and definition. Some things need to be grabbed by you with swagger and dignity. Because in the long run, casual can translate into indifference which can lead to carelessness, and all the while can let the things in your life that you could actually want slip right on through. It feels damn good acquiring something that you didn’t casually get.
Have casuals, but don’t live casually.
Live with purpose, and do casual things with people you enjoy…or by yourself. Act with pursuit, and casually boast about it. Because it’s not about the things you did half assed and occasionally. When you’re old, you’re not going to remember what wasn’t important. You’re not going to remember the casual living. So, don’t let it consume your life. Don’t let it dictate your future. Don’t let the good things pass you by because they required more permanent and directive thinking.
Figure out what you want. Decide to get it. Feel it in your hands. Have it.
That’s what it’s all about.